Love and Marriage Aren't Synonyms! (aka: Ten Things You Can Learn & Re-Learn Just From One Conversation w/ A Good Friend).

* Below is an excerpt from a conversation between me and Christine. Christine started off as my Corporate Big Sister / Mentor and ended up being a really good friend that has seen me go through some serious development. She checks in on me about once month or so and makes sure I'm being nice to my wife! LOL. It's actually much appreciated because every time we have these conversations, I end up appreciating my relationship (with my wife and with Christine ) and my marriage even more. I bolded some of the important points. Enjoy!


Christine(14:29:35): . . .and people say its hard, but I don'tunderstand what is hard about it

Rob(14:31:09): perhaps hard isn't the right word because it asserts that you don't want to do it. . . .how about . ."marriage is easy if you both know/understand that it's going to be WORK."

Rob(14:31:29): work is a better word. it doesn't have the negative connotation associated with something being hard.

Christine(14:31:46): what do you work at?

Rob(14:32:31): communicating, understanding, being considerate even whenyou don't want to be considerate,

Rob(14:33:48): doing these things all the time is work. when you're dating, you take breaks from doing these things, when you're married, you have no choice

Rob(14:33:55): or you'll be very unhappy.

Christine(14:34:03): I can understand that

Rob(14:34:07): but if you've got someone great, it's something you enjoy working at.

Christine(14:34:06): so when you have a choice Christine between being patient or not, being nice or not, it is making the choice to be patient and nice and when someone does something- assuming the best intentions versus the worst

Rob(14:35:25): yep.

Rob(14:38:38): that's something i have to remind Marie (and myself) of sometimes. Always think my intentions where best unless you have evidence which says different. unlike past relationships where I try to make sure I don't get caught, now i make sure my actions are such that I don't have to hope not getting caught or have to spend time explaining them.

Christine(14:39:11): exactly, but also, cut someone some slack - know that I will not do anything bad- so focus onthe outcome and not on any little mess along the way

Rob(14:40:49): and I give much less resistance when what i do offends her regardless of what my intentions where. . . that's the work on understanding part . . .my actions may make sense to me, but that doesn't mean that it makes sense to others or despite being acceptable,won't offend or hurt someones feelings. i try my best to acknowledge her feelings absent of if Ithink i'm right or wrong

Christine(14:41:18): that is very true and hard for people (including myself) to understand

Christine(14:41:24): you said it perfectly

Christine(14:41:32): you may be the perfect husband!

Rob(14:43:54): i am . . haha . . just kidding. . . i don't think there's a such thing. . . i think the "perfect husband / wife" is the person who trys to be perfect enough for their mate so that their mate is willing to give them slack during the times when they are being imperfect. which is probably a lot more often than when they are perfect. my goal is to be perfect for Marie. and for others, that may not be perfect at all, but their assesment of my perfection doesn't matter. . . .and neither one of us knows what it means to not succeed at something. . . so we both have the motivation to make our marriage the best marriage possible for the longest time possible . . . 1 year or100.

Christine(14:45:40): don't even say that 1 year business

Christine(14:46:00): I wonder if success in marriage is not about tying it to love as much?

Rob(14:47:41): you know you can love someone to death and can't make a relationship work with them

Christine(14:49:47): I know that very well. love doesn't necessarily mean marriage or you can think of it as I love you enough to think you are owed stability and commitment and safety meaning, safety like, I have your back

Rob(14:52:55): i love you enough to take the chance of a lifetime on you based on who you are today and who you wish to be tomorrow (and who I think you will be tomorrow). you don't take that gamble on someone who doesn't have that figured out for themself before you start walking down that road.

Rob(14:53:10): love and marriage definitely aren't synonyms.

Rob(14:59:21): and it should be a bit more selfish a deal. i chose the woman that I felt would best contribute to my life's happiness in every facet. emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. So, it's really all about me! LOL!

- - - - - - To Recap - - - - - -

Ten Lessons You Can Learn (and Re-Learn) Just From One Conversation with a Good Friend:

1. "perhaps hard isn't the right word because it asserts that you don't want to do it. . . .how about . ."marriage is easy if you bothknow understand that it's going to be WORK."

2. when you're dating, you take breaks from doing these things,

3. but if you've got someone great, it's something you enjoyworking at.

4. cut someone some slack

5. I give much less resistance when what i do offends her regardless of what my intentions where.

6. my actions may make sense to me, but that doesn't mean that it makes sense to others or despite being acceptable,won't offend or hurt someones feelings. i try my best to acknowledge her feelings absent of if Ithink i'm right or wrong

7. think the "perfect husband / wife" is the person who trys to be perfect enough for their mate so that their mate is willing to give them slack during the times when they are being imperfect. which is probably a lot more often than when they are perfect.

8. you know you can love someone to death and can't make a relationship work with them

9. love you enough to take the chance of a lifetime on you

10. love and marriage definitely aren't synonyms.