Rant #4: Where the hell am I supposed to park?

*this is guaranteed to get me a call from the ADA.

Okay. Frankly I feel as if it's getting out of control. I mean, how many handicapped people can there actually be in one place at one time. The first twenty to thirty spots of most malls, grocery stores, Wal-Marts, etc. are reserved with the blue and white signs depicting someone in a wheelchair. There is no such thing as a quick run to the store because it's going to take you ten minutes to get the the store entrance (not withstanding the fact that there are never enough open checkout lanes and for some reason there always seems to be the most technologically inept individual at the self-service lane who is asking where's the mouse to select the appropriate boxes . . . ON THE TOUCHSCREEN! . . . .but I digress). Is there a disabled convention going on at Target that requires this disproportionate amount of spaces? And why is it that 60% of the persons that park in these spaces seem physically fine? Do they get the placard because of their mental disability (actually. . . if I got my hands on one, I'd use the hell out of it . . .but we're not talking about me).

And then there's the EXPECTED MOTHER'S reserved parking spaces. Couple these with the handicap spaces and I now have to drive to the store parking lot and call a cab to cart me to the front door. Isn't walking good for expected mothers? And it gives them a headstart on shedding those baby pounds after the birth. I'm sort of willing to deal with this because of the volatile temperament of a pregnant woman (anything that would appease them in the little bit is valuable to society as a whole), but this next photo is taking it way to f'in far:

WTF! You're telling me that Bank of America is reserving parking spaces for low emission vehicles. You've got to be kidding me! Is this an attempt to show yourself as a a GREEN company of sort? Wanna help the environment? Only give out bank loans to people buying low emission / fuel efficient vehicles. No more loans on BMW 745's that earn you thousands in interest. Nope. No way. BOA is only giving out loans for Toyota Prius type vehicles because we care about the environment. Account holder wants to buy a gas guzzling hummer? Can't do it, not welcome here at the newer, greener BOA. Who cares if revenue received from interest plummets. The air will be cleaner.

My question is, who will we be reserving spaces for next? This space reserved for YMCA V0lunteers? This space reserved for Virgins (. . .there'd be pervert men hanging around the sign all day!)? This space reserved for persons with more that $100K in their account (. . . Good Lord, please let me park in this spot one day soon!).

What spot should be reserved for you?

Types of Women You Should Limit or Have No Conversation With if In a Relationship!

*Although this is written from the male perspective, it applies to women as well.

Women That Find You Attractive:

Neither women or men stop finding other people attractive as a result of their being in a relationship. It's just real. The blinders to pretty notion is a farce. You don't stop seeing them (actually, you might notice them a bit more depending on if you had a fight with your mate before leaving home). More pressing is that you don't stop being attractive either. Think about it, someone found you attractive enough to claim you (and if married . . . claim you for their foreseeable life). And if you're a guy, chances are for the length of your relationship, you have been receiving hints, tips and cues (subconscious or direct) that have contributed to increasing your attractiveness (women like to keep their men looking nice and will offer suggestions to do so. Be real, you weren't getting manicures every two weeks before her). Nevertheless, it is imperative that you limit conversation with this type of woman to minimal at best. Let me be clear, it's not that you have any intentions with said woman, but that doesn't account for hers. In addition, being flattered by someones appreciation for your style, looks, attitude or personality inherently causes you to put that person on a higher plateau . . . simply because they like you. And everyone, no matter their relationship status, likes to know that someone is checking them out. Keep your conversations with this type of woman limited. Their attraction to you is not likely to subside just because you're cuffed up. These women are subtle in their advances as well.

Things that should make the DANGER alarm go off in your head:

"You look very nice today" (x3) - - - - thanks, but damn, stop jockin!
"I wish my guy dressed like you do"
Laughing at every one of your jokes - - - - Dude, no one is that funny!
She starts every conversation with, "So . . Where's your girl?"


Women Who Are Needy:

This type of woman always has a man problem. Dude's too short, can't lay it down, is a player, not focused, doesn't respect her time, ain't progressing his life, doesn't go to church, too fat, too skinny, too bald, doesn't dress well, etc. (little does she recognize that she ain't on isht and thus keep attracting dudes who ain't on isht). For some reason, she always shares her inner most relationship issues with you hoping you will be her be her hero and offer some guidance, dick or advice.

Things that should make the DANGER alarm go off in your head:

"I wish I could find someone like you"
"Really . . . I just need a friend" - - - - Is you serious? (yes. . . I intentionally said "Is you")

Tears. . . . tears from a woman that isn't yours is a warning!

"Could you come over and talk for a while" - - - - Heffa, it's 2am!


Women Who Are In A "It's All About Me Place":

These are usually single women who for various reasons aren't looking for anything serious in a man or relationship. They are living their lives for them and them alone. These are perhaps the most dangerous type of single women out there. They honestly just don't give a damn. You could sit down with them and profess your love for the woman you are with for hours and it wouldn't discourage their advances in the least. They are the type of woman that proliferates the premise of "girls always want guys who already have girls". Your relationship status, if conflicting with their immediate needs for companionship in whatever form, is inconsequential. DO NOT HOLD CONVERSATION WITH THIS TYPE OF WOMAN AT ALL! It isn't as if they are motivated by your relationship status. No, they don't want you because you have a woman. They just could care less if you or any other man that is the focus of their attention for the five minute period of your encounter is in a relationship. It's all about them. And when they are done with you, no matter how much turmoil, strife and trouble they have brought to your life, they will discard you like a pair of flip-flops they got from the nail shop after getting a pedicure.

Things that should make the DANGER alarm go off in your head:

"See, I ain't like most women. I don't put such a stigma on sex. I mean. . everyone's doing it!"

"It's whateva" - - - - Run man, RUN!

"Really. You're Married? Nice. Anyway . . ."

Rant #3: Men Performing The Beyonce "Single Ladies" Video!

*I realize the timing of this rant may be tardy, but I felt it necessary anyhow.

WTF! YouTube is rampant with Beyonce Single Ladies video remakes. Of the many things that are wrong with this I would like to point out two that are magnanimous in there absurdity.

First, and perhaps most important, is the fact that you are attempting to remake a work of quintessential art. It's not only that you are amateur at best, performing the choreography in dorm rooms and parking lots of grocery stores. It would be like the cartoonist at the state fair attempting to recreate the Mona Lisa! Like T-Pain trying to recreate Roger Troutman's vibe. You are ruining a newfound past time for 98% of men in the world (sexual orientation disregarded because you're either drooling over beyonce as a straight man or drooling over beyonce's choreography as a gay man). Watching this video for men can be likened to watching your favorite sport on a Saturday afternoon by yourself on the couch with chips, an enormous hoagie and a six pack . . . . that and porn, of course. When I YouTube the single ladies video, more remakes are returned than instances of the actual video. This is discouraging.

Second. Why the hell are 80% of these videos of MEN doing the dance. And seriously doing the dance (some of them doing so far too well). Not performing a spoof like Justin Timberlake on SNL (which was incredibly hilarious I might add . . . and made me even more jealous of Justin as a result of the Beyonce ass slap). These guys are actually attempting to show their artistic talent and ability. . . . by emulating a Beyonce video.

And these random dorm rude dancer, viral videos as in that of Shane Mercado are getting so much attention that he not only got on a talk show but actually got the chance to meet Beyonce herself. That's right. ACTUALLY GOT TO MEET BEYONCE! Men around the world dream of such a moment . . . nightly . . . and daily. To be honest, if performing the dance and placing it on YouTube would guarantee me the opportunity to get that close to her, I would probably go shopping for a leotard TONIGHT! These remakes are far to well produced as in the case of Purple Haze or just outright embarrassing as in the case of this Fat Guy! There are so many that compilation videos have been created.

I have two requests.

1. Please stop. . . .

2. Please never, ever, eva eva eva (in my best Chris Tucker impression) disgrace a Beyonce video again by performing in this manner.

That is all.

For the Sake of Nostalgia . . . Could We Bring Back The Box?

*shout out to Rhashadd Shadzilla for the inspiration for this post.

Hip Hop (video) has become too serious. The randomness associated with the music (videos) has been lost. The refreshing feeling of huh? is gone. Old School Hip Hop videos were full of random, nonsensical, out of place occurences that usually had very little to do with the music itself. It contributed to the lightness of the music. It added to the euphoric feelings of fun that permitted you to escape from the deplorable social and economic conditions from which the music was borne.

There was something pleasant about seeing a bikini clad light skinned (light skinned was hotter than the sun at that point), long haired girl standing on the beach with the sun shining on her face, ocean flowing over her feet while playing a saxophone as in Wreckx-n-Effect's Rump Shaker video (0:05 seconds in). At first sight, you have to laugh and think, "WTF is she doing on the beach with a saxophone . . . A SAXOPHONE!". Or maybe you didn't think about it at all. The videos were a complement to the music at that time. The music itself was so much of the focus that having a BIG ASS RED (0:42 seconds in) telephone prominently displayed while watching the 2 Live Crew - Me So Horny video was unnoticeable. You didn't have to focus on Beyonce's every dance move and compare it to the countless number of YouTube remakes done by random dorm room dancer dude (don't act like I was the only one to watch this and say, "damn, this dude can dance").

And what happened to the aimless placement of children in videos. Have videos gone too high budget and produced to have unnecessary shots of kids dancing erratically as in Poor Righteous Teacher's (1:45 in) Rock This Funky Joint? Yes these videos were recorded with Hi-8 cameras on roof tops without permits or safety harnesses . . . so what? We were broke too and could relate. Now our videos are recorded in HD, played on BluRays and DVR's (vs. having to call in to The Box, dial the 1-900 Number to play "Tootsie Roll" and subsequently take a beating for running up your momma phone bill).

Hip Hop has gone too serious, too flashy, too unreal for any of us to relate. I don't own a Maybach, never had a private flight, wouldn't think about pouring Ace of Spades on anyone for fear of wasting it and couldn't understand what would drive a man to make it rain. Things done changed.

Rant #2: Liberal is The New 'N' Word . . .

I listen to AM radio a lot. A whole lot. Each morning on my drive to work (which I don't suggest doing if you work with a disproportionate amount of conservatives) and each night on my drive home. It probably contributes to about 60% of the arguments I have in my household simply because I am so infuriated by the time I get out the car that just saying "hi" to me might get your head snapped off. . . literally.

I have come to the conclusion that as a result of the election of President Obama, liberal is the new 'N' word. The proliferation of the use of liberal in Conservative AM Radio is so abundant that hearing it invokes a rage in me similiar to the feeling I got when I first watched the movie Rosewood starring Ving Rhames (Yea, it's gotten that bad). You can hear it in their tone. Obama's LIBERAL cabinet is ruining our country! The LIBERALS are only looking for a handout! The LIBERALS have taken over the NBA! - - - Okay, that last one was a little bit of a reach, but you get what I'm saying.

They're acting as if Obama has opened up the doors to the white house, replaced the furniture with wicker chairs, put plastic on the couch, hung the obligatory picture in the brandy snifter on the mantel and fired up the barbeque pit on the front porch!

And I'd think more of them if they went ahead and used the 'N' word. Don't hide it. Get gangsta about it! The NIGGERS LIBERALS have taken countrol of the Senate! The The NIGGERS LIBERALS are starting socialism in America! The The NIGGERS LIBERALS are stealing our white women! - - - Okay, that last one was a bit of a reach too, but you get what I'm saying!

Liberal is the new "that one" in McCain speak. I'm no fool. I won't be had, won't be took, not hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray, or run amuck ( - - - fist raised high in the air - - - ). I see the writing on the wall.

*The views expressed here are those of the authors and should not be attributed to Blogger. We apologize for any discomfort you may have had reading this post. These liberals can get a bit out of hand sometime.